No. I really don’t. I’d rather be bored out of my mind, and feel the life draining out of me. I kinda like being yelled at. It’s probably good for me to do things that I dread, and that don’t come naturally. (If you haven’t noticed, I’m a little sarcastic).
OF COURSE YOU WANT TO GET PAID TO DO WHAT YOU LOVE.
The problem isn’t really that you need convincing to do what you love, the problem is that no one has ever showed you how to get paid to do it. You’ve never taken the time to figure out what you love, or at least you don’t know how to take what you love and turn it into something marketable.
I work with people to help them get paid to do what they love. When you figure out what you are passionate about, what you’re skilled at, and align those things with what comes naturally to you, you can find work that feels more like a calling.
Just wanted to let you know. 😉
We’ve all done it: Said yes when what we really meant was no. There are many reasons that we do it: A fear of disappointing or angering someone; concern that no one will be there for us when we need something; fear of not being liked; or maybe even an underlying belief that we should be self-sacrificing to be worthy of love. Whatever the reason, saying yes when you really mean no leaves you kicking yourself. You’re over-extended, and you’re doing things that really aren’t that important to you. Worse still, you’ve added to the self-loathing that comes with betraying yourself and moving away from what you truly want. So how do you say no? One trick is to do it so gracefully that you sidestep those fears that get kicked up at just the thought of saying no to someone. Here’s a great example:
“Some time ago, my wife was invited to serve as chairman of a committee in a community endeavor. She had a number of truly important things she was trying to work on , and she really didn’t want to do it. But she felt pressured into it and finally agreed.
Then she called one of her dear friends to ask if she would serve on her committee. Her friend listened for a long time and then said, “Sandra, that sounds like a wonderful project, a really worthy undertaking. I appreciate so much your inviting me to be a part of it. I feel honored by it. For a number of reasons, I won’t be participating myself, but I want you to know how much I appreciate your invitation.”
Sandra was ready for anything but a pleasant “no.” She turned to me and sighed, “I wish I’d said that.””
Stephen R. Covey (1989). The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Let’s dissect the “no.” If you can take apart the elements of a graceful “no,” and reconstruct it into one that is authentic for you (using your language), you never have to say yes when you really mean no again.
First, notice how the friend comments on the value of whatever is being asked of her: “that sounds like a wonderful project, a really worthy undertaking.” Since we are afraid of insulting people by implying that their request is not worth our time or is not interesting, this can help the person who is asking something of you to feel that their request or project is still valuable, even though you won’t be there.
Second, state your gratitude for being thought of, and how it makes you feel to be included. After all, whatever the request, you are being asked because you bring something of value to the situation. “I appreciate so much your inviting me to be a part of it. I feel honored by it.”
Third, say no. “For a number of reasons, I won’t be participating myself, but I want you to know how much I appreciate your invitation.” Notice how the friend declines, politely, but does so while being kind, thankful , clear and firm? She doesn’t spend time on why she can’t; she doesn’t defend her reasons. She says no politely but firmly. Also, notice how she doesn’t resort to “I can’t.” She owns the fact that she is making a choice based on her own priorities and doesn’t shy away from that.
So here’s the formula. You fill in the blanks:
That sounds like a _______adjective______ project. I feel __________________ that you asked me, but for a number of reasons I won’t be participating. Thank you thinking of me.
A few ground rules:
- Rework this formula so that it works for you. It should sound like you and not feel like someone else’s language.
- It’s important that you clearly decline. It’s easy to get so wrapped up in being graceful that the other person thinks you’ve actually accepted.
- Don’t make excuses. Try not to say “I can’t.” You rarely can’t do something, you just choose not to. Saying “I can’t” gives away the power you’ve claimed by making a choice about what you can do with your time.
You can be a kind, generous and caring person while still having your own agenda and control over your time. If you don’t take control over your time and agenda, you are living someone else’s life, and ultimately you won’t be giving the world the kindest and most generous gift you can offer: the gift of your true self.
We all know what a resume is: a piece of paper on which you’ve stuffed all of the skills, experiences and job positions that you believe are relevant to market yourself as the right candidate for a job. No wonder job hunting feels so degrading. You are forced to reduce yourself to one sheet of paper which you pass around to others for evaluation. Sheesh!
What would happen if instead of going into job hunting with the mindset of selling yourself, you flipped job hunting on its head? What if you understood that your value cannot be condensed onto a single sheet of paper, and that your precious time, creative energy, and life’s work should not be sold to the highest bidder (or in this market sometimes to the only bidder?) What if you started searching for a job by searching your soul before searching the want ads?
Introducing the concept of the reverse-resume. Instead of finding jobs that your one-page version of yourself might be a “fit” for, what if you instead spent time figuring out what qualifications the JOB needs to have before you’ll entertain giving it some of the best years of your life? You probably have enough life-experience at this point to know that you need to be doing work that’s meaningful to you, that excites you and that makes you feel competent in order to feel happy in life. It’s not the only component of a happy life, but it’s a critical component since we spend so much time at work and since we often in part define our lives by the output and actions – the work we do (in this case, at work.)
“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” Lewis Carroll
Job searching that starts with soul searching is much more likely to land you a job that feels more like a calling. But first you have to know where you are going. The way to do that is to write your reverse-resume. Here’s a basic template to get you started:
Objective: What is your objective? Not just to find a job, but to find one that gives you meaning, purpose, and contributes to your overall happiness. It’s your responsibility to define this as clearly as possible. What will make you feel that way? What’s meaningful for you? What would you like to contribute? What is going to make you fall into bed each night exhausted and thrilled at the same time?
Experience(s): What do you want to experience in this next job situation? Do you want to lead a team, be part of something that’s growing, have a chance to travel or work on a particular project? What things will you be doing day-to-day and also what larger vision will you be working towards? Define your desired experiences no matter how large or small.
Education: What do you want to learn from this? From skills to personal growth experiences, what do you want to gain?
Skills: What parts of who you are and what you know are you going to get to use on a regular basis? Do you love to do something and you want to do it as part of the next job? If so, write it down!
Salary Requirements: What do you want to make? What will make you feel great about your financial health?
Feel free to add any categories that seem relevant for you. In fact, if you come up with one, please post it as a comment!
Remember, your reverse-resume is not some head-in-the-clouds vision board. This is a set of instructions for you so that you can more clearly define what you are after and for you to know when you’ve found it. Don’t say that you want to make a million dollars unless you are prepared to work your butt off to land that job. Strive to create a balance between your vision and what is realistic – there may be several steps along the path to your ultimate vision.
Creating a reverse-resume is a way to remind yourself that you are worth MORE than what’s listed on your regular old resume. You’ll still need a resume to market yourself, but your reverse-resume will help ensure you don’t sell yourself short.
Is your yacht in the shop, again? Seriously? I hate that. I also can’t stand it when I can’t decide which of my cars to drive, or whether I should go to Hawaii or Italy for vacation. Isn’t life so hard?
Ok. I have no yacht, I drive a (messy) mini-van, and I’ve never been to Hawaii OR Italy. Seriously though, people have a lot of misconceptions about life callings, and one of them is that the search for a life calling is a “luxury problem” like those above. To most people, what is more realistic is what I someone told me at a networking event: “Life calling? I can’t even pay my rent. I’ll worry about that when I’ve got a couple of million dollars to keep me warm.” Well, yes, you could wait that long, but then how much of your life will have you wasted doing things you don’t love?
A life calling is not a “luxury” problem just for those who have nothing better to worry about. Neither is it a metaphysical issue (see Life Callings for the Mainstream). A life calling is quite simply a statement of what your life is about and what you are here to do. Think of it like a business mission statement. This statement is a way for a business to describe why they are in existence. Wikipedia defines a business mission statment like this:
“A mission statement is a statement of the purpose of a company or organization. The mission statement should guide the actions of the organization, spell out its overall goal, provide a path, and guide decision-making. It provides “the framework or context within which the company’s strategies are formulated.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mission_statement
In the same way, your life calling is your mission statement. It describes your purpose, guides your actions, spells out your goals, provides your path and helps guide your decision making. We use these ideas all the time when it comes to business – and we agree they are essential. But when it comes to our lives, we feel that strategic planning is for many reasons, not something we should be doing. Businesses that only spend their time resolving day-to-day crises don’t end up where they envision themselves, and we don’t end up with meaningful and happy lives unless we can spend the time it takes defining what is meaningful to us.
“OK, I’m convinced. But how the heck do you find your life calling?” you ask. I’m not going to lie: it takes soul searching. It requires the ability to work on this issue which, though essential, is all too easily ignored. And it requires a good dose of faith in yourself.
Here’s the crash course:
1. Listen to yourself. Not the part of you that’s afraid, that tries to people-please, or who believes you can’t. Listen to your True Self.
2. Identify your Passions. What makes you feel alive?
3. Think about your skills. What you’re great at, both learned and natural talents.
4. What do you love to give to others?
5. What is your essence? Who are you really?
6. Understand your life experiences. What has life been trying to teach you?
Call it whatever you’d like: A life’s calling, a personal mission statement, your purpose, or something else. Taking the time to find the life that fits for you is not a luxury. It is essential to helping you define and create the life you want so you live with no regrets.
For more help getting started, get my FREE article “Find Your Life Calling.”